EMAIL THE BEEKEEPER
News From Home 15, Part III
5/9/2004 (updated 8/23/2004)

After a daring dawn raid on Honourable Number One Son’s computer, I have found the perpetrators of the crime of the century, the lantern looters, the statuary stealers. Opening a file entitled Eyesore World Tour, I found it all there – the doctored pictures, names and addresses of accomplices around the world – and in a drawer, a pile of postcards already printed up with exotic locations. Later that day, I summoned the partners in crime into my study – for it was a conspiracy between Honourable Sons numbers One and Three – for an explanation. This was supposed to be a dressing-down, but I was far too amused, and in awe of the skill and resourcefulness of the boys, to have any residual anger. I understood the forging of the pictures, and the process of getting the cards sent, but where was the object in question, and how did they shift the darned thing? The shifting, they said, was easy; they borrowed eight of Honourable Number One Son’s pals, and manhandled the thing; they then took me out to the garden shed, led me into the back – the section with all the stored garden furniture – and there, hidden behind some stacked tables and a couple of market umbrellas – was nothing. It wasn’t there. The boys looked at one another in disbelief. This was surely no sham. They seemed genuinely amazed. This, they said, was the spot where they had hidden it, certain that it would not be discovered. They began to back slowly out of the shed, as if in fear of some supernatural force, some dark poltergeist energy that could shift a ton of concrete with its elemental little finger. I was trying to think of more rational possibilities, but when the rational no longer fits the facts, the supernatural becomes the only explanation…

Our newlyweds, Brandi and Keanu, who have been renting Mrs. Wasserman’s old place across the street, have now agreed to buy it, have put down a deposit, and have bought gob-loads of furniture to stick in it. Keanu’s business seems to be taking off – there is apparently a lack of regulation in the mould laws out here, and Keanu says it’s like printing money. And so they have filled their house with the latest of everything – not for them stuffy old antiques – and they invited us to their housewarming party, which was a sight to behold! About seventy-five or a hundred young twenty-and-thirty-somethings, all decked out in the very newest in fashion, were parading around the property. Many, no doubt impressed with Madonna’s new look, were sporting powdered wigs and corsets, amusingly juxtaposed with Hawaiian shirts, fetishist leather, Spandex, and Prada handbags; there were other quotes from the eighteenth century– a couple of Goths were wearing knee britches along with leather jackets and piercings, while some favoured the glued-on mole and lead makeup look. The furniture was delightfully witty, but was not really designed to be sat upon, and so people ranged themselves about on the floor, or propped precariously against flimsy lamp standards, bookcases. and the edges of things The very brand-newest craze, I must tell you, is the minuet, which was danced enthusiastically by all, and which the D.J saw fit to inject with a bit more of a dance sensibility, emphasizing the backbeat and hallucinogenic effects. I’m hoping the wig trend will spill over more and more into everyday life; in these sunny climes, an SPF 50 wig could come in handy.